Color Me Sexy

Ah crayons, the innocent crayola colors associated with the pastimes of school children. From aquamarine to atomic tangerine and even fuzzy wuzzy these crayon colors will bring a pleasant smile to your face in even the grumpiest of moods. Well, my innocent vision of crayons was dashed as we approached breeding season here at the goat dairy. You may well remember Pierre and the "Love Shack." It all seemed well and good right? All the ladies get to spend the night with Pierre and you don't have to watch anything dirty; easy peasy. Wrong! I got to be one of two people setting up for breeding season and I had no idea what was in store for me. First things first, my coworker pulls out the most awesome crayons you have ever seen. Giant square blues, greens, yellows and reds. They made you want to take a giant bubble bath and scribble all over the tub walls. I must say I now regret imagining myself in the bubbly tub playing with these special crayons for reasons you will soon discover. My coworker then pulls out the most kinky looking harnesses you have ever seen. There was no way to avoid blushing at the mere sight of these things as they looked like something purchased at one of those special female bonding experience naughty toy parties. Ladies, you know what I am talking about because I know each and every one of you has had a girlfriend invite you to these awkward tupperware parties gone wrong throughout which the goal of the evening is to avoid eye contact with all living species in the room. But I digress. To add insult to injury she then instructs me to hook a different colored crayon on to each of the harnesses. Oh geez, we all know what's coming next. Well next are the scariest instructions ever. "Ok, I need you to hold down this massive stinky buck while I strap this harness to him. But mind yourself because they know it's breeding season and they will try to hump anything that moves." Ummm, huh? So I grab onto Pierre as my coworker attempts to untangle the crazy crayola harness and strap it to Mr. Buck. You can just imagine how fun it was to hold down an extremely stinky and insanely riled up 300 lb goat while he attempts to eh-hem court me, and all while a sex harness is being strapped on to him. But why oh why does a harness con crayon have to be involved? Apparently, they are mixing up the gene pool using five, count them, five different bucks. Pierre, Teak, Kong, Sting, and Kazim. And in order to track said gene pool we have to know who is whose baby daddy. So each buck is represented by a certain crayola color like balls-out-blue, or raucous red, or go-for-it green and then we watch to see which bucks have "colored on" which girlie goats. Ok, who has made it this far through the blog without blushing? I should have stuck with a cooking blog. Anyhow, we let the girls and boys co-mingle and next we wait to see all the pretty colors. Later that evening I bring out the clipboard to start taking notes in one of the pens and it is like goat hiney christmas decorations running amuck. "Those little hussies," I exclaimed. So much for trying to figure out who the baby daddy will be. The buck named Sting was adorned with red and good ole Pierre was adorned with green and each girl in the pen was striped red and green like naughty zebras. There is definitely a reason goats are associated with sexuality and fertility. Girlie goats are so peaceful and loving when they are in their society of all women. But put them together and what have you got...bippity -bobbity- oh dear me. Needless to say I walked around the farm with blinders on for the next couple of weeks to avoid all the color me sexy going on everywhere. P.S. Have any of you heard a goat mating call? No? Ok, put your tongue against the back of your throat and yell ghaaaa as loud as you can without letting your tongue come off the back of your throat. Multiply that by 150 and there you go. Now you can imagine what the farm sounded like as well as what it looked like :)